The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
