There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
false alarm. still invincible.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
