Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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