I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
