She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
