I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
