Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
