I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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