Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Your mouth is God's brothel.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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