who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
