Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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