I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
