Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
