I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
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If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
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Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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