I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
