my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
