I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
