I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
