Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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