what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He passed out mid-signature
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize