dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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