Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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