we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
