...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
