When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
