He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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