You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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