ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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