Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
