Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
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thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
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On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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