I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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