Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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