i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
