Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
