So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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