dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
