i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
