I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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