i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I don't think brook has ever known best
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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