i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
