Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
