I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
