I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
