You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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