im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
