That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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