you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
