I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
