so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
