next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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