Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
