I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
