Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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