Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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