I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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