Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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