You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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