I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
