U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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