my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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