2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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